Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008)

It’s 1957 and soviet agent CATE BLANCHETT is pissed at HARRISON FORD for not giving her more information about alien remains that resulted after a crash in Roswell.

CATE BLANCHETT
I want to know!

HARRISON FORD hides in a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear blast and winds up in a diner with SHIA LABEOUF.

SHIA LABEOUF
You know, your buddy JOHN HURT is insane in Peru after finding a weird-shaped crystal skull.

A motorcycle chase ensues, and CATE BLANCHETT holds a gun to HARRISON FORD’s long-lost love, KAREN ALLEN.

SHIA LABEOUF
Mom!

KAREN ALLEN
Oh, right, I guess I ought to mention that SHIA LABEOUF is your son, HARRISON FORD.

HARRISON FORD
What? How could you not tell me that? This is so like you!

KAREN ALLEN
You can tell we’re meant for each other because we’re bantering and bickering even in the face of death.

HARRISON FORD and the gang find the alien’s crystal skull; engage in sword fights; nearly die in quicksand and get eaten by army ants; and go over not one, not two, but three consecutive waterfalls before they finally find a temple with one HEADLESS SKELETON and thirteen OTHER SKELETONS sitting around. CATE BLANCHETT shows up and pops the skull back on the HEADLESS SKELETON’s neck.

CATE BLANCHETT
I want to know!

The HEADLESS SKELETON comes to life, draws in all the bodies of the OTHER SKELETONS to become one giant alien, and then sets CATE BLANCHETT’s head afire.

CATE BLANCHETT
Noooo! Too… much… knowing!

HARRISON FORD
Time to go.

HARRISON FORD, SHIA LABEOUF, and KAREN ALLEN flee the temple just as a UFO rises up from the ground and takes off to go spread more Scientology propaganda for another world. HARRISON FORD marries KAREN ALLEN, and an Indiana Jones hat floats through the breeze and lands at SHIA LABEOUF’s feet, beckoning him into the franchise. Fin.

Dazed And Confused (1993)

It’s the last day of school in 1976, and a myriad of high schoolers – including JOEY LAUREN ADAMS, ADAM GOLDBERG, PARKER POSEY, JASON LONDON, MILLA JOVOVICH, and BEN AFFLECK – are planning on celebrating it in style: by getting drunk and/or stoned and humiliating incoming freshmen.

BEN AFFLECK
(paddling the buttocks of a poor freshman)
YAHOO! I’m a complete DICK!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
(gleefully scoping out some nubile high school girls)
And I am way too old for this scene.

JASON LONDON
(crumpling up an “I will not do drugs” contract)
And I refuse to be controlled by my coach! Come on, let’s go do this day up right.

Jocks mix with stoners, freshmen mix with seniors, and all these motley characters come together to party at the water tower. JASON LONDON and JOEY LAUREN ADAMS smoke weed with MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY on the fifty-yard line of the high school football field and then go get tickets to Aerosmith. Fin.

Swing Kids (1993)

Hamburg, Germany, circa late 1930s: A gang of rebellious teens called Swing Kids—including CHRISTIAN BALE and ROBERT SEAN LEONARD, dance with DOWDY-LOOKING CHICKS and watch their FLOPPY-HAIRED FRIEND kick the crap out of a NAZI BOY SCOUT with only an umbrella.

CHRISTIAN BALE
Isn’t it interesting how we’re not even trying to fake German accents?

ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
Forget that little detail. We’re going to go steal our BUDDY a radio.

Unfortch, ROBERT SEAN LEONARD and CHRISTIAN BALE get caught and are forced into the Nazi Boy Scout group. CHRISTIAN BALE gets immediately suckered into all the Nazi propaganda.

CHRISTIAN BALE
Hitler’s the bomb.com, y’all.

ROBERT SEAN LEONARD doesn’t seem to think so when he opens up a box he’s supposed to deliver with the German word “Traitor” on it and finds a wedding ring buried in a bed of ashes.

ROBERT SEAN LEONARD
Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

ROBERT SEAN LEONARD attempts to ease his depression by dancing until the NAZI BOY SCOUTS—including CHRISTIAN BALE—storm the club and start arresting everyone. ROBERT SEAN LEONARD and CHRISTIAN BALE beat on each other for a while and then ROBERT SEAN LEONARD is shuttled onto a bus off for a work camp.

CHRISTIAN BALE
Oh, geez. What’ve I done?

Fin.

Unfaithful (2002)

DIANE LANE meets super foxy Frenchman OLIVIER MARTINEZ when she skins her knees waiting for a cab.

OLIVIER MARTINEZ
Come instead to clean up. And to dance with me. And to make sexy sexy love.

Understandably unable to resist herself, DIANE LANE and OLIVIER MARTINEZ share a passionate hump in the apartment building hallway. Meanwhile, DIANE LANE’s husband RICHARD GERE is perturbed.

RICHARD GERE
Hmm. DIANE LANE’s so distant and elusive lately. Maybe that DETECTIVE I hired can find out what’s up.

DETECTIVE
(handing RICHARD GERE some telling photographs he probably doesn’t want to see)
Um, here’s what’s up: namely OLIVIER MARTINEZ.

RICHARD GERE
EEP!

While DIANE LANE cringes, frets, and agonizes over her affair, RICHARD GERE pays a visit to OLIVIER MARTINEZ and bonks him on the head with a snow globe, killing him.

RICHARD GERE
Oh, crap.

RICHARD GERE takes OLIVIER MARTINEZ’s body to the dump. A week later, DIANE LANE finds the DETECTIVE’s photographs and the snow globe and knows that RICHARD GERE knows.

RICHARD GERE
I can turn myself in.

DIANE LANE
No, let’s go park in the middle of the road in front of the police station instead.

They do. Fin.

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

After an intro full of “la la la’s”, MIA FARROW and her husband/unsuccessful actor JOHN CASSAVETES rent a dead old woman’s New York apartment and have some uninteresting sex on the floor while chanting is heard coming from the wall.

MIA FARROW
Oh, life is perfect, this apartment is perfect!… except for the dead girl on the sidewalk, of course.

Nosy next-door neighbor RUTH GORDON (who looks like an older, more made-up version of my auto insurance agent) drops by.

RUTH GORDON
Nice to meet you! Here’s your mail! Why, look at that sofa! How much was it? Here, take this rancid-smelling talisman! Would you like a fresh tall glass of hideous herbs? Come to dinner tonight! Let’s start a lifetime of me meddling!

MIA FARROW and JOHN CASSAVETES reluctantly go to dinner, where JOHN CASSAVETES spends the evening chatting with RUTH GORDON’S HUSBAND. Shortly thereafter, JOHN CASSAVETES’ acting career begins to thrive.

JOHN CASSAVETES
(to MIA FARROW)
Let’s make a baby!

MIA FARROW downs some tainted chocolate mousse prepared by RUTH GORDON and passes out, dreaming of being raped by SATAN while a BUNCH OF WEIRDOES look on. MIA FARROW later learns that’s pregnant.

RUTH GORDON
How wonderful! Now, I hope you don’t mind, but my HUSBAND and I plan on being overbearing and intrusive and overall oddly involved with your pregnancy from here on out!

RUTH GORDON and RUTH GORDON’S HUSBAND remain true to their word as MIA FARROW suffers enormous amounts of pregnancy-related pain and JOHN CASSAVETES acts like a psychotic nervous squirrel and hates on MIA FARROW’s Vidal Sassoon haircut.

MIA FARROW
Why is everyone around me acting like a d-bag?

A FRIEND—who randomly died after a mysterious coma—clears up the confusion by making sure MIA FARROW receives a book on witchcraft.

MIA FARROW
So they’re all witches. Well, I guess that makes sense.

MIA FARROW tries to escape, but is pinned down to the bed by JOHN CASSAVETES and a BUNCH OF WEIRDOES and is given “a mild sedative” that induces labor, although her pregnancy has resulted in—

JOHN CASSAVETES
–complications. But it’s cool, baby; we’ll just have more.

MIA FARROW finds a door in the back of her apartment’s closet, which leads to RUTH GORDON’s apartment. There she finds a BUNCH OF WEIRDOES hanging around a satanic crib.

RUTH GORDON’S HUSBAND
Alright, the truth is that SATAN knocked you up and you had his HOOF-FOOTED DEMON OFFSPRING, who’s going to eventually take over the world.

BUNCH OF WEIRDOES
Yay SATAN!

MIA FARROW rocks the HOOF-FOOTED DEMON OFFSPRING in the crib, and the “la la la’s” begin again. Fin.

The Seven Year Itch (1955)

Manhattan publishing stiff TOM EWELL bid adieu to his WIFE and KID, who are both going away for  vacation.

TOM EWELL
I plan on being a good boy this summer. I’ll talk to myself and hallucinate and not drink, smoke, or flirt with anyone I’m not married to.

Upstairs neighbor MARILYN MONROE drops a tomato plant off her balcony, which nearly lands on TOM EWELL’s head.

MARILYN MONROE
Oops!

TOM EWELL
…Or not?

TOM EWELL trips on roller skates and shows MARILYN MONROE the wonders of air conditioning before coming on to her and having his advances politely rejected.

TOM EWELL
(chain smoking while showering with the curtain open)
She’s going to tell my WIFE! I just know it!

MARILYN MONROE stands over a subway grate; her skirt floats around her.

MARILYN MONROE
Whee!

TOM EWELL
…Or will she?

TOM EWELL obsesses over MARILYN MONROE while she obsesses over his air conditioner. Unable to take the insanity (or torment) any longer, TOM EWELL decides to take a two-week vacation to go bring his KID his kayak paddle. Fin.

Sorry, Wrong Number (1948)

Rich, whiny invalid BARBARA STANWYCK smokes in bed and picks up her princess telephone.

BARBARA STANWYCK
Hello, Operator? Connect me to my husband BURT LANCASTER’s office right away. Hello? Hello?

GUY ON THE OTHER END
…So let’s kill the chick at 11:15 tonight; the passing train will mask her screams.

BARBARA STANWYCK
Eep!

BARBARA STANWYCK staggers around gripping her heart, gets drunk and smokes some more while she calls anyone who’ll listen to her.

BARBARA STANWYCK
Help! Help! Someone help me! I’m a helpless woman stuck in bed—which is a great thing to yell out, especially when you live in New York.

BARBARA STANWYCK fondly recalls the days of her and BURT LANCASTER’s courtship, when he was a dick to her and she was a controlling bitchola to him, and then determines—

BARBARA STANWYCK
BURT LANCASTER has hired someone to kill me!

BARBARA STANWYCK screams and cries and flings herself around her bed. BURT LANCASTER calls.

BURT LANCASTER
Darling, forgive me! I’d just gone to the doctor and he had told me that you were a cardiac neurotic and your wealthy dad was being a pain in my ass, so yes: I got someone to kill you. But I’ve changed my mind! Hang up the phone and hide! Run away! Do something!

BARBARA STANWYCK
Wah wah I can’t!

The KILLER comes in, murders BARBARA STANWYCK, and then picks up the receiver to talk to BURT LANCASTER.

KILLER
Tough you-know-what.

The KILLER hangs up. Fin.

Wit (2001)

EMMA THOMPSON lies in a hospital bed, dying of—

EMMA THOMPSON
Oh, no you don’t! This movie is about ME! Only I’m allowed to talk in this, and talk I shall! I’ll inundate you with my monologues on my life thus far. After all, I’m dying of advanced ovarian cancer—me, a well-educated English professor!—and all the doctors around here, including DR. CHRISTOPHER LLOYD, are poking me and prodding me and experimenting on me like I’m some guinea pig! I shall try to put my life into perspective while I vomit and lose my hair, and right before I die, I’ll realize that I should’ve spent my life being nicer to peop—

EMMA THOMPSON dies. Fin.

Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

WOODY ALLEN and HELENA BONHAM CARTER adopt a KID and their marriage plummets into a passionless pit. Thus, WOODY ALLEN somehow decides to become obsessed with discovering the identity of the KID’s mom, who happens to be MIRA SORVINO, a hooker/porn star/unintelligent hottie with a heart of gold, natch.

WOODY ALLEN
And now, for my next unbelievable act, I shall interrupt my whiny jokes to stroke my own ego by having the audience believe I can bag both HELENA BONHAM CARTER and MIRA SORVINO!

In a Pygmalion fashion, WOODY ALLEN immerses himself in MIRA SORVINO and tries to get her life on track in case his—her—KID ever decides to come looking for her while HELENA BONHAM CARTER toys with the idea of cheating on him.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I mustn’t! I can’t! …Or can I? I must explore my feelings!

Dejected, WOODY ALLEN sleeps with MIRA SORVINO but ends up back with HELENA BONHAM CARTER. MIRA SORVINO marries a HELICOPER PILOT. WOODY ALLEN never tells MIRA SORVINO he has her KID. MIRA SORVINO has WOODY ALLEN’s baby but never tells him. Irony! Fin.

Dracula: Dead And Loving It (1995)

It’s Transylvania, 1893, and after being warned by the townspeople, London solicitor PETER MACNICHOL still goes to vampire COUNT LESLIE NIELSON’s spooky, bat-shit-covered castle. It is there that PETER MACNICHOL gets a blood-spewing paper cut.

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON
Yum!

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON turns PETER MACNICHOL into his slave and they head to London, where PETER MACNICHOL is thrown in a sanitarium and eats bugs while COUNT LESLIE NIELSON bites a LONDON CHICK and meets fiancés STEVEN WEBER and AMY YASBECK. COUNT LESLIE NIELSON also attracts the attention of vampire connoisseur MEL BROOKS.

MEL BROOKS
Look at the LONDON CHICK’s neck! Clearly a vampire has been supping upon her! We must do something!

STEVEN WEBER and AMY YASBECK
Oh, MEL BROOKS, you so crazy.

However, while PETER MACNICHOL suffers through several enemas, COUNT LESLIE NIELSON turns the LONDON CHICK into a vampire. The LONDON CHICK attempts to seduce STEVEN WEBER but, at MEL BROOKS’ urging, STEVEN WEBER stakes her through the heart and gets doused in gallons of blood while COUNT LESLIE NIELSON attempts to snack on AMY YASBECK.

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON
You shall be my bride, and we shall dance elaborately with lots of twirls forever more!

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON bites AMY YASBECK, turning her into a horny beast.

AMY YASBECK
(to STEVEN WEBER)
Touch my boobs!

STEVEN WEBER lets out a girlish shriek before he and MEL BROOKS follow PETER MACNICHOL to COUNT LESLIE NIELSON’s hideout. COUNT LESLIE NIELSON is exposed to sunlight and dies, and PETER MACNICHOL draws a happy face in his ashes. Fin.