The Wolfman (2010)

BENICIO DEL TORO arrives in moody-ass London at the home of his eccentric father, ANTHONY HOPKINS, where he meets his dead brother’s dewy-eyed fiancée, EMILY BLUNT.

EMILY BLUNT
I’m sorry we’re meeting under such formidable circumstances, BENICIO DEL TORO, considering your brother was just skinned by some terrible beast running amuck. Perhaps the gypsies know something about it?

BENICIO DEL TORO goes to chat with the gypsies, but is bitten on the neck by a werewolf. The SPOOKY-ASS GYPSY WITCH sews up his wound.

SPOOKY-ASS GYPSY WITCH
Now that a werewolf’s munched on him, he’s forever cursed. Only being killed by a true love will slay the beast, or something or other. Silver bullets can’t hurt too.

BENICIO DEL TORO completely heals in the span of a month and, during the next full moon, he turns into a werewolf and goes on a gory killing spree, the result of which lands him in an asylum where he withstands great torture to help expel his “delusions.”

ANTHONY HOPKINS
Too bad you’re stuck here. It’s also too bad I’m a wolfman too. And I killed your mother. And your brother. And here’s a straight razor to kill yourself with if you can’t stand the heat. Carry on, my wayward son!

The next full moon rolls around, and BENICIO DEL TORO morphs, makes minced meat out of a room full of scholars before terrorizing townspeople and the Yard and leaps from rooftop to rooftop looking like a dancing bear wearing clothes.

HUGO WEAVING
Ah hah! I knew something was weird about that BENICIO DEL TORO guy. He must be killed!

BENICIO DEL TORO finds EMILY BLUNT and smooches her before going to ANTHONY HOPKINS’s place to face his daddy issues. The two revert to wolfman form and set out to tear each other’s entrails out. BENICIO DEL TORO beheads ANTHONY HOPKINS’s and kicks him into the fire. HUGO WEAVING arrives and is gravely wounded by BENICIO DEL TORO. EMILY BLUNT shows up and BENICIO DEL TORO chases her through the woods and pins her down.

BENICIO DEL TORO
RAWR!

EMILY BLUNT shoots him using a silver bullet, saving herself and the town and putting BENICIO DEL TORO out of his misery. HUGO WEAVING touches his bloody werewolf bite as he glances up at the full moon still overhead.

HUGO WEAVING
Aww, snap.

Fin.

Mamma Mia! (2008)

MERYL STREEP flails around her home amidst all the preparations for wedding of her teen tart daughter, AMANDA SEYFRIED, who’s off rubbing up against her tanned hubby-to-be OILY BOHUNK.

MERYL STREEP
Oh no! Oh heavens! My little minx of a kid is getting married and what does she do? Invite all the men I screwed one summer when I was young slut in order to find out which of the three men—beach bum STELLAN SKARSGARD, completely gay COLIN FIRTH or obvious front runner PIERCE BROSNAN—is her dad! Oh no! I, along with everyone else, shall now get into all sorts of wacky antics of annoying chick-lit lore while warbling along to an ABBA soundtrack.

Everyone goes to the wedding, where it’s super awkward with all these possible dads around.

AMANDA SEYFRIED
(to OILY BOHUNK)
You know what? We’re too young to be getting mixed up in this whole marriage business. Why don’t we just go have lots and lots of kinky crazy sex until I inevitably get knocked up at a young age and we’re forced to settle down?

OILY BOHUNK
Shit, yeah!

PIERCE BROSNAN
Well, hell, let’s not have all these wedding preparations go to waste. MERYL STREEP, I’ve been in love with you for like, twenty years or something. Let’s finally tie the knot!

MERYL STREEP
Oh heavens, why not?

COLIN FIRTH
In conclusion, we’ll all don brightly colored spangled jumpsuits and feign dance steps to a nauseating and embarrassing rendition of “Waterloo” while croaking out the lyrics like a pack of drunks during karaoke night at the local pub. Fin.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT and ZOOEY DESCHANEL ride the same elevator.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL
I like the pretentious hipster music floating from your ear buds.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
You do? That’s great! Because I like everything about you, including your love for poor, underrated Ringo Starr, how we play house in the IKEA store, how making love to you makes me dance all over town to Hall & Oates during this flick’s best scene, your vintage style of dress, the way you won’t open up to me, the way you leave me hanging all the time, the way you eventually dump me for virtually no reason… Er, hmm. I guess I don’t like those last few aspects so much.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL
I shall now vanish promptly from your life, leaving you with a myriad of questions without answers that forces you to go to your kid sister for advice.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT’S PRECOCIOUS TWIT OF A SISTER
Youse a dumb S.O.B., JGL.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Who asked you, Skipper? Oh, wait, I did. You see, asking tweens to help me get un-lost in life further proves how I’m at my wit’s end.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL
Surprise! I’m back, disintegrating any progress you might’ve made. I’ll continue to do so if you come to my party, JGL, where I’ll then destroy all your hopes of us getting back together by admitting I’m engaged to some other clown.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
What? But who what where when why and how?

ZOOEY DESCHANEL
Dunno. It’s never explained. You and all the other moviegoers will just have to accept I’m a heartless, bizarre bitch for funsies.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Though the movie should’ve ended with us sitting on the hill, reflecting on the mysterious, ever-changing nature of young love, the filmmakers are determined to give me a happy ending, so my heartbreak prompts me to turn my life around and pursue my dream career after sitting around in coffee shops reading architectural digests. And who should I meet at the interview but a generically hot chick who’s ridiculously more attractive than ZOOEY DESCHANEL, and the movie must end on the note that quirky, enigmatic weird girls equal bad and uncomplicated, unchallenging and mainstream-friendly hot girls equal good. Let us pray for an alternate ending on DVD. Fin.

The Love Guru (2008)

Hockey team owner JESSICA ALBA hires self-help guru MIKE MYERS to reunite hockey player ROMANY MALCO with his wife MEAGAN GOOD, who was lured away by Celine-Dion-loving, rival hockey player JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and his giant penis, about which many trite jokes are made.

MIKE MYERS
This is perfect! When I get ROMANY MALCO back with MEAGAN GOOD by making overblown Austin Powers jokes and bastardizing key points concerning self-enlightenment, I’ll get asked to be on Oprah! Meanwhile, my junk will ache for JESSICA ALBA but chafe against my chastity belt, and amazingly she’ll actually be interested in me.

ROMANY MALCO wins back MEAGAN GOOD’s love and the Stanley Cup thanks to MIKE MYERS, who orchestrates the act of two elephants humping on the ice. MIKE MYERS loses his virginity to JESSICA ALBA and everyone dances a la a Bollywood flick. Fin.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Composer JASON SEGEL is dumped while naked by his actress girlfriend KRISTEN BELL for gyrating, British musician/weirdo RUSSELL BRAND and is near suicidal.

BILL HADER
(via webcam)
You could use a vacation, step bro. Go to Hawaii!

JASON SEGEL takes this advice, only to discover that KRISTEN BELL and RUSSELL BRAND are vacationing at the same resort and the three of them keep winding up in the same yoga classes and in adjacent rooms. JASON SEGEL’s only solace is hotel receptionist MILA KUNIS, who encourages his aspirations of writing a puppet rock opera about Dracula.

JASON SEGEL
This is great: a girl who accepts me for who I am and encourages my dreams, unlike KRISTEN BELL, who I am now recalling was a shitty girlfriend after all.

KRISTEN BELL, in a fit of jealousy, tries to seduce JASON SEGEL with a thirty-second blow job but he resists. MILA KUNIS learns of this and refuses to speak to JASON SEGEL anymore. JASON SEGEL goes back to the mainland and debuts his rock opera, at which MILA KUNIS shows up and accepts JASON SEGEL’s full-frontal nudity. Fin.

Better Off Dead (1985)

Teenage JOHN CUSACK survives REINDEER-SUIT-WEARING MOM’s boiled bacon and multiple suicide attempts, and teeters on his skis on the precipice of the ski resort’s most difficult slope.

JOHN CUSACK
(with a noose around his neck)
How can life get worse? My EX-GIRLFRIEND of six months dumped me and now I have to race her ski jerk boyfriend!

The FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE manages to escape her host family – the SOCIALLY AWKWARD SON and his OVERBEARING MOM – and skis up next to JOHN CUSACK.

FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE
Just go down the slope really fast. If something gets in your way, move.

The NEWSBOY chases a one-ski-wearing JOHN CUSACK down the slope on his bike.

NEWSBOY
I want my two dollars!

JOHN CUSACK wins the race and his EX-GIRLFRIEND’s adoration, but he drives off with the FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE in the Camaro she helped him pimp out and they win a race against the ASIAN DRAG RACERS. Fin.

The Girl On The Bridge (2000)

VANESSA PARADIS is about to fling herself off a bridge but knife thrower DANIEL AUTEUIL saves her.

DANIEL AUTEUIL
Why kill yourself when I can throw knives at you?

DANIEL AUTEUIL takes VANESSA PARADIS on the road with him and buys her lots of sparkly outfits and gives her money to gamble with in the casinos. VANESSA PARADIS, although scared of having knives thrown in her general direction, comes to derive sexual pleasure from the near danger of it. This does not stop VANESSA PARADIS from opening her legs for every dude she meets.

DANIEL AUTEUIL
Why are you such a little whore?

VANESSA PARADIS
Because I need love!

VANESSA PARADIS abandons DANIEL AUTEUIL on a cruise ship, taking off in a rowboat with a GREEK NEWLYWED who was just married the night before. The GREEK NEWLYWED winds up dumping VANESSA PARADIS as soon as they hit land. Meanwhile, DANIEL AUTEUIL finds that he has no success without VANESSA PARADIS and is about to jump off a bridge when VANESSA PARADIS stops him.

VANESSA PARADIS
Why kill yourself when you can throw knives at me?

Fin.

Bongwater (1997)

Pot dealer/some-time artist LUKE WILSON sits around his apartment with burnout buddies ANDY DICK and JEREMY SISTO smoking bowl after bowl when ALICIA WITT bursts in wearing too dark of a lipstick and dragging her friend AMY LOCANE, who’s cracked out on something.

ALICIA WITT
(to LUKE WILSON)
You! You must’ve sold her something awful! This marks the first day of my hostility toward you and, oddly enough, the first day of your attraction to me. Mind if I come live with you? BTW: Your refrigerator art is so good! Y’know, I know someone who could make you famoso!

ALICIA WITT introduces LUKE WILSON to BRITTANY MURPHY, an airhead art poseur who tries to get in LUKE WILSON’s pants by buying him a giant bong. ALICIA WITT is so grossed out that she moves to New York with heroin addict JAMIE KENNEDY and gets raped in a limo by A COKEHEAD.

ALICIA WITT
I thought this was supposed to be a comedy!

BRITTANY MURPHY and LUKE WILSON go to a stoner retreat, where they drop acid with JACK BLACK and run around the woods making annoying noises.

JACK BLACK
(wielding a guitar)
And now I shall play a song that wasn’t good enough for a Tenacious D album!

LUKE WILSON ends up sleeping with AMY LOCANE.

AMY LOCANE
So this is life after Melrose.

ALICIA WITT comes back from New York, and she and LUKE WILSON see a UFO. Fin.

One Missed Call (2008)

College student and ex-abused child SHANNYN SOSSAMON watches her friends die in horrific freak accidents after they see creepy people with mouths for eyes and centipedes and get weird voice mails of their last words days in advance. The corpses spit out a fat red candy as their cell phones ring up a person in their digital address book.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON
(as her phone rings)
Eep!

DETECTIVE ED BURNS
Don’t worry, I’ll look out for you, SHANNYN SOSSAMON.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON and DET. ED BURNS determine that the murders are somehow due to a PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL who died of an asthma attack. DET. ED BURNS dies by getting stabbed in the eye through a peephole. SHANNYN SOSSAMON is about the be knifed by the PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL’S GHOST before the PYSCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL’S GHOST MOTHER saves SHANNYN SOSSAMON from death.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON
But…but…what’s the point of the candy? What’s the deal with the bugs? Why did the PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL’S GHOST MOTHER save me? Why is the curse still continuing? Why does a nine-year-old kid need a cell phone anyway? LOOSE ENDS!

Fin.

He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

Yoga slut SCARLETT JOHANNSSEN meets married music mogul BRADLEY COOPER at a convenience store.

BRADLEY COOPER
Call me, I’ll help you with your “career.”

DREW BARRYMORE
(while being romantically rejected via MySpace, Facebook, text message and e-mail all at once)
Do it, SCARLETT JOHANSSEN! He’s married but he could still be your soul mate!

SCARLETT JOHANSSEN, while totally leading on her lovesick friend KEVIN CONNOLLY, strikes up an affair with BRADLEY COOPER but ends it when he stuffs her half-dressed form into a nearby closet so he can screw wifey JENNIFER CONNELLY in his office.

SCARLETT JOHANNSEN
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! Never talk to me again!

JENNIFER CONNELLY later finds a pack of smokes in BRADLEY COOPER’s pants pockets after he told her multiple times he quit the habit.

JENNIFER CONNELLY
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! Get out of my life!

Meanwhile, JENNIFER ANISTON breaks up with boyfriend BEN AFFLECK.

JENNIFER ANISTON
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! We’ve been together for six years and you still refuse to marry me!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Ahh! JENNIFER ANISTON, I’m your father and I’m having a heart attack! Care for me while your sisters’ husbands lounge around my house being total fucking pigs and wait for me to die.

BEN AFFLECK
Here, honey, I’ll do the dishes for you.

JENNIFER ANISTON
Oh, BEN AFFLECK, you’re perfect! So perfect that I’ll give up my dream of ever getting married just to be with you!

BEN AFFLECK
And I shall reward your noble sacrifice by giving you this engagement ring!

Meanwhile, psychotically and embarrassingly desperate GINNIFER GOODWIN is pouncing on anything that has a penis and a pulse until bartender JUSTIN LONG stops her.

JUSTIN LONG
Can’t you see that these clowns just aren’t that into you? If they’re not calling you, sleeping with you, asking you out, marrying you, or putting the toilet seat down when you ask, give it up. Those are the rules, and you aren’t the exception!

GINNIFER GOODWIN
(after spending the evening of JUSTIN LONG’s party cleaning up everything)
But you’re doing most of those things – you must want me!

JUSTIN LONG
(while trying to hit on some other bimbo)
No way! You misread me.

GINNIFER GOODWIN
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! I’ll now deliver a speech about searching for relationships and going after what you want that’s supposed to be withering and poignant to you but instead it comes completely from left field and doesn’t even apply to you, even though we’re led to believe that it is.

JUSTIN LONG
Wait! I suddenly want you, despite that whenever we’ve been together, you’ve been whining about how to get some other guy in the sack and I’ve seen no other side to your needy personality.

GINNIFER GOODWIN
Yay! I’m the exception to the rules after all! What a great way to negate the book and movie’s purpose – now girls can leave the theater still relying on their same idiotic hopes!

DREW BARRYMORE cancels her MySpace account in order to date KEVIN CONNOLLY, GINNIFER GOODWIN and JUSTIN LONG play video games, JENNIFER ANISTON and BEN AFFLECK get married on a boat, JENNIFER CONNELLY moves into her own apartment, and SCARLETT JOHANSSEN and BRADLEY COOPER remain single like the dirty, dirty dogs they are. Fin.