
Yoga slut SCARLETT JOHANNSSEN meets married music mogul BRADLEY COOPER at a convenience store.
BRADLEY COOPER
Call me, I’ll help you with your “career.”
DREW BARRYMORE
(while being romantically rejected on MySpace, Facebook, text message and e-mail all at once)
Do it, SCARLETT JOHANSSEN! He’s married but he could still be your soul mate!
SCARLETT JOHANSSEN, while totally leading on her lovesick friend KEVIN CONNOLLY, strikes up an affair with BRADLEY COOPER but ends it when he stuffs her half-dressed form into a nearby closet so he can screw wifey JENNIFER CONNELLY in his office.
SCARLETT JOHANNSEN
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! Never talk to me again!
JENNIFER CONNELLY later a pack of smokes in BRADLEY COOPER’s pants pockets after he told her multiple times he quit smoking.
JENNIFER CONNELLY
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! Get out of my life!
Meanwhile, JENNIFER ANISTON breaks up with boyfriend BEN AFFLECK.
JENNIFER ANISTON
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! We’ve been together for six years and you still refuse to marry me!
KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Ahh! JENNIFER ANISTON, I’m your father and I’m having a heart attack! Care for me while your sisters’ husbands lounge around my house being total fucking pigs and wait for me to die.
BEN AFFLECK
Here, honey, I’ll do the dishes for you.
JENNIFER ANISTON
Oh, BEN AFFLECK, you’re perfect! So perfect that I’ll give up my dream of ever getting married just to be with you!
BEN AFFLECK
And I shall reward your noble sacrifice by giving you this engagement ring!
Meanwhile, psychotically and embarrassingly desperate GINNIFER GOODWIN is pouncing on anything that has a penis and a pulse until bartender JUSTIN LONG stops her.
JUSTIN LONG
Can’t you see that these clowns just aren’t that into you? If they’re not calling you, sleeping with you, asking you out, marrying you, or putting the toilet seat down when you ask, give it up. Those are the rules, and you aren’t the exception!
GINNIFER GOODWIN
(after spending the evening of JUSTIN LONG’s party cleaning up everything)
But you’re doing most of those things – you must want me!
JUSTIN LONG
(while trying to hit on some other bimbo)
No way! You misread me.
GINNIFER GOODWIN
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! I’ll now deliver a speech about searching for relationships and going after what you want that’s supposed to be withering and poignant to you but instead it comes completely from left field and doesn’t even apply to you, even though we’re led to believe that it is.
JUSTIN LONG
Wait! I suddenly want you, despite that whenever we’ve been together, you’ve been whining about how to get some other guy in the sack and I’ve seen no other side to your needy personality.
GINNIFER GOODWIN
Yay! I’m the exception to the rules after all! What a great way to negate the book and movie’s purpose – now girls can leave the theater still relying on their same idiotic hopes!
DREW BARRYMORE cancels her MySpace account in order to date KEVIN CONNOLLY, GINNIFER GOODWIN and JUSTIN LONG play video games, JENNIFER ANISTON and BEN AFFLECK get married on a boat, JENNIFER CONNELLY moves into her own apartment, and SCARLETT JOHANSSEN and BRADLEY COOPER remain single like the dirty, dirty dogs they are. Fin.