The Love Guru (2008)

Hockey team owner JESSICA ALBA hires self-help guru MIKE MYERS to reunite hockey player ROMANY MALCO with his wife MEAGAN GOOD, who was lured away by Celine-Dion-loving, rival hockey player JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and his giant penis, about which many trite jokes are made.

MIKE MYERS
This is perfect! When I get ROMANY MALCO back with MEAGAN GOOD by making overblown Austin Powers jokes and bastardizing key points concerning self-enlightenment, I’ll get asked to be on Oprah! Meanwhile, my junk will ache for JESSICA ALBA but chafe against my chastity belt, and amazingly she’ll actually be interested in me.

ROMANY MALCO wins back MEAGAN GOOD’s love and the Stanley Cup thanks to MIKE MYERS, who orchestrates the act of two elephants humping on the ice. MIKE MYERS loses his virginity to JESSICA ALBA and everyone dances a la a Bollywood flick. Fin.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Composer JASON SEGEL is dumped while naked by his actress girlfriend KRISTEN BELL for gyrating, British musician/weirdo RUSSELL BRAND and is near suicidal.

BILL HADER
(via webcam)
You could use a vacation, step bro. Go to Hawaii!

JASON SEGEL takes this advice, only to discover that KRISTEN BELL and RUSSELL BRAND are vacationing at the same resort and the three of them keep winding up in the same yoga classes and in adjacent rooms. JASON SEGEL’s only solace is hotel receptionist MILA KUNIS, who encourages his aspirations of writing a puppet rock opera about Dracula.

JASON SEGEL
This is great: a girl who accepts me for who I am and encourages my dreams, unlike KRISTEN BELL, who I am now recalling was a shitty girlfriend after all.

KRISTEN BELL, in a fit of jealousy, tries to seduce JASON SEGEL with a thirty-second blow job but he resists. MILA KUNIS learns of this and refuses to speak to JASON SEGEL any more. JASON SEGEL goes back to the mainland and debuts his rock opera, at which MILA KUNIS shows up and accepts JASON SEGEL’s full-frontal nudity. Fin.

Better Off Dead (1985)

Teenage JOHN CUSACK survives REINDEER-SUIT-WEARING MOM’s boiled bacon and multiple suicide attempts, and teeters on his skis on the precipice of the ski resort’s most difficult slope.

JOHN CUSACK
(with a noose around his neck)
How can life get worse? My EX-GIRLFRIEND of six months dumped me and now I have to race her ski jerk boyfriend!

The FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE manages to escape her host family – the SOCIALLY AWKWARD SON and his OVERBEARING MOM – and skis up next to JOHN CUSACK.

FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE
Just go down the slope really fast. If something gets in your way, move.

The NEWSBOY chases a one-ski-wearing JOHN CUSACK down the slope on his bike.

NEWSBOY
I want my two dollars!

JOHN CUSACK wins the race and his EX-GIRLFRIEND’s adoration, but he drives off with the FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE in the Camaro she helped him pimp out and they win a race against the ASIAN DRAG RACERS. Fin.

The Girl On The Bridge (2000)

VANESSA PARADIS flings herself off a bridge but knife thrower DANIEL AUTEUIL saves her.

DANIEL AUTEUIL
Why kill yourself here when I can throw knives at you instead?

DANIEL AUTEUIL takes VANESSA PARADIS on the road with him and buys her lots of sparkly outfits and gives her money to gamble with in the casinos. VANESSA PARADIS, although scared of having knives thrown in her general direction, comes to derive sexual pleasure from the near danger of it. This does not stop VANESSA PARADIS from opening her legs for every dude she meets.

DANIEL AUTEUIL
Why are you such a little whore?

VANESSA PARADIS
Because I need love!

VANESSA PARADIS abandons DANIEL AUTEUIL on a cruise ship, taking off in a rowboat with a GREEK NEWLYWED who was just married the night before. The GREEK NEWLYWED winds up dumping VANESSA PARADIS as soon as they hit land. Meanwhile, DANIEL AUTEUIL finds that he has no success without VANESSA PARADIS and is about to jump off a bridge when VANESSA PARADIS stops him.

VANESSA PARADIS
Why kill yourself when you can throw knives at me?

Fin.

Bongwater (1997)

Pot dealer/some-time artist LUKE WILSON sits around his apartment with burnout buddies ANDY DICK and JEREMY SISTO smoking bowl after bowl when ALICIA WITT bursts in wearing too dark of a lipstick and dragging her friend AMY LOCANE, who’s cracked out on something.

ALICIA WITT
(to LUKE WILSON)
You! You must’ve sold her something awful! This marks the first day of my hostility toward you and, oddly enough, the first day of your attraction to me. Mind if I come live with you? BTW: Your refrigerator art is so good! Y’know, I know someone who could make you famoso!

ALICIA WITT introduces LUKE WILSON to BRITTANY MURPHY, an airhead art poseur who tries to get in LUKE WILSON’s pants by buying him a giant bong. ALICIA WITT is so grossed out that she moves to New York with heroin addict JAMIE KENNEDY and gets raped in a limo by A COKEHEAD.

ALICIA WITT
I thought this was supposed to be a comedy!

BRITTANY MURPHY and LUKE WILSON go to a stoner retreat, where they drop acid with JACK BLACK and run around the woods making annoying noises.

JACK BLACK
(wielding a guitar)
And now I shall play a song that wasn’t good enough for a Tenacious D album!

LUKE WILSON ends up sleeping with AMY LOCANE.

AMY LOCANE
So this is life after Melrose.

ALICIA WITT comes back from New York, and she and LUKE WILSON see a UFO. Fin.

One Missed Call (2008)

College student and ex-abused child SHANNYN SOSSAMON watches her friends die in horrific freak accidents after they see creepy people with mouths for eyes and centipedes and get weird voice mails of their last words days in advance. The corpses spit out a fat red candy as their cell phones ring up a person in their digital address book.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON
(as her phone rings)
Eep!

DETECTIVE ED BURNS
Don’t worry, I’ll look out for you, SHANNYN SOSSAMON.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON and DET. ED BURNS determine that the murders are somehow due to a PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL who died of an asthma attack. DET. ED BURNS dies by getting stabbed in the eye through a peephole. SHANNYN SOSSAMON is about the be knifed by the PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL’S GHOST before the PYSCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL’S GHOST MOTHER saves SHANNYN SOSSAMON from death.

SHANNYN SOSSAMON
But…but…what’s the point of the candy? What’s the deal with the bugs? Why did the PSYCHOPATHIC LITTLE GIRL’S GHOST MOTHER save me? Why is the curse still continuing? Why does a nine-year-old kid need a cell phone anyway? LOOSE ENDS!

Fin.

He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)

Yoga slut SCARLETT JOHANNSSEN meets married music mogul BRADLEY COOPER at a convenience store.

BRADLEY COOPER
Call me, I’ll help you with your “career.”

DREW BARRYMORE
(while being romantically rejected on MySpace, Facebook, text message and e-mail all at once)
Do it, SCARLETT JOHANSSEN! He’s married but he could still be your soul mate!

SCARLETT JOHANSSEN, while totally leading on her lovesick friend KEVIN CONNOLLY, strikes up an affair with BRADLEY COOPER but ends it when he stuffs her half-dressed form into a nearby closet so he can screw wifey JENNIFER CONNELLY in his office.

SCARLETT JOHANNSEN
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! Never talk to me again!

JENNIFER CONNELLY later a pack of smokes in BRADLEY COOPER’s pants pockets after he told her multiple times he quit smoking.

JENNIFER CONNELLY
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! Get out of my life!

Meanwhile, JENNIFER ANISTON breaks up with boyfriend BEN AFFLECK.

JENNIFER ANISTON
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! We’ve been together for six years and you still refuse to marry me!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON
Ahh! JENNIFER ANISTON, I’m your father and I’m having a heart attack! Care for me while your sisters’ husbands lounge around my house being total fucking pigs and wait for me to die.

BEN AFFLECK
Here, honey, I’ll do the dishes for you.

JENNIFER ANISTON
Oh, BEN AFFLECK, you’re perfect! So perfect that I’ll give up my dream of ever getting married just to be with you!

BEN AFFLECK
And I shall reward your noble sacrifice by giving you this engagement ring!

Meanwhile, psychotically and embarrassingly desperate GINNIFER GOODWIN is pouncing on anything that has a penis and a pulse until bartender JUSTIN LONG stops her.

JUSTIN LONG
Can’t you see that these clowns just aren’t that into you? If they’re not calling you, sleeping with you, asking you out, marrying you, or putting the toilet seat down when you ask, give it up. Those are the rules, and you aren’t the exception!

GINNIFER GOODWIN
(after spending the evening of JUSTIN LONG’s party cleaning up everything)
But you’re doing most of those things – you must want me!

JUSTIN LONG
(while trying to hit on some other bimbo)
No way! You misread me.

GINNIFER GOODWIN
You dog! You dirty, dirty dog! I’ll now deliver a speech about searching for relationships and going after what you want that’s supposed to be withering and poignant to you but instead it comes completely from left field and doesn’t even apply to you, even though we’re led to believe that it is.

JUSTIN LONG
Wait! I suddenly want you, despite that whenever we’ve been together, you’ve been whining about how to get some other guy in the sack and I’ve seen no other side to your needy personality.

GINNIFER GOODWIN
Yay! I’m the exception to the rules after all! What a great way to negate the book and movie’s purpose – now girls can leave the theater still relying on their same idiotic hopes!

DREW BARRYMORE cancels her MySpace account in order to date KEVIN CONNOLLY, GINNIFER GOODWIN and JUSTIN LONG play video games, JENNIFER ANISTON and BEN AFFLECK get married on a boat, JENNIFER CONNELLY moves into her own apartment, and SCARLETT JOHANSSEN and BRADLEY COOPER remain single like the dirty, dirty dogs they are. Fin.

Lars And The Real Girl (2007)

Socially awkward RYAN GOSLING brings a Real Doll to dinner at his brother PAUL SCHNEIDER and sister-in law EMILY MORTIMER’s house.

PAUL SCHNEIDER and EMILY MORTIMER
Oh God.

RYAN GOSLING
Everyone, I’d like you to meet BIANCA, my non-English-speaking, handicapped true love, whose purpose is to help me work through my childhood emotional trauma.

BIANCA gets jobs posing at a department store and volunteering at a children’s hospital while RYAN GOSLING comes out of his shell and goes bowling with his co-worker KELLI GARNER. Then BIANCA gets sick and dies, and everyone in town goes to her funeral, and RYAN GOSLING takes a walk with KELLI GARNER. Fin.

Jersey Girl (2004)

THE PRECOCIOUS, SASSY LITTLE GIRL stands up in front of the classroom to read her essay on her family.

THE PRECOCIOUS, SASSY LITTLE GIRL
Once upon a time, my dad BEN AFFLECK was a New York workaholic/music publicist when he fell in love with my mom JENNIFER LOPEZ, who died while in childbirth with me.  BEN AFFLECK moved us to New Jersey to live with my alcoholic grandpa GEORGE CARLIN and then acted like a royal asshole as he tried to shirk all child responsibilities by throwing himself into his work. But one day he had to bring me to a press conference, where he dumped a mountain of baby powder on my crotch and got so stressed out that he called all the journalists “jerkoffs,” insulted WILL SMITH, and promptly lost his job. That’s when he decided to become a good father once and for all!

CUT TO: BEN AFFLECK, driving a street sweeper.

BEN AFFLECK
Yeah, I took this shit job to make ends meet, and for seven years, I tried to get my old job back in New York. But then I met video store clerk/chronic masturbator LIV TYLER when I tried to rent a porno, and she bullied me into a date and then almost into sex.

CUT TO: LIV TYLER, putting rentals back on the shelf.

LIV TYLER
BEN AFFLECK then gave everyone a scare by finagling an interview out of his ex-protegee JASON BIGGS and saying that he and THE PRECOCIOUS, SASSY LITTLE GIRL were going to move to New York, but during the wait he met WILL SMITH, the guy loosely responsible for ruining his life, and had an epiphany that New Jersey is where the heart is.

CUT TO: GEORGE CARLIN, sitting in a bar.

GEORGE CARLIN
So he raced back to New Jersey where he was just in time to cut my throat during a performance from “Sweeney Todd” at his daughter’s school recital. Then everyone came here to dance and drink. Fin.

Shampoo (1975)

Womanizing hairdresser WARREN BEATTY has his hands full – too full – of women: ex-mistress JULIE CHRISTIE, current girlfriend GOLDIE HAWN, current mistress LEE GRANT, and even LEE GRANT’s daughter CARRIE FISHER.

WARREN BEATTY
And on top of all that, I have to weasel money out of LEE GRANT’s husband JACK WARDEN, who’s currently having an affair with JULIE CHRISTIE! When will it end?

It ends one night at a massive hippie party when GOLDIE HAWN and JACK WARDEN see WARREN BEATTY and JULIE CHRISTIE screwing to the Beatles by the tennis courts.

GOLDIE HAWN
Boy, don’t try to front; I-I know just-just what you ah-ah-are.

GOLDIE HAWN dumps WARREN BEATTY and goes to Egypt, and WARREN BEATTY races to JULIE CHRISTIE’s place on his motorcycle to profess his undying love, but he’s too late: JACK WARDEN left LEE GRANT and is going to Acapulco to marry JULIE CHRISTIE. Everyone, however, winds up with great hair. Except, oddly enough, WARREN BEATTY. Fin.