BENICIO DEL TORO arrives in moody-ass London at the home of his eccentric father, ANTHONY HOPKINS, where he meets his dead brother’s dewy-eyed fiancée, EMILY BLUNT.
I’m sorry we’re meeting under such formidable circumstances, BENICIO DEL TORO, considering your brother was just skinned by some terrible beast running amuck. Perhaps the gypsies know something about it?
BENICIO DEL TORO goes to chat with the gypsies, but is bitten on the neck by a werewolf. The SPOOKY-ASS GYPSY WITCH sews up his wound.
SPOOKY-ASS GYPSY WITCH
Now that a werewolf’s munched on him, he’s forever cursed. Only being killed by a true love will slay the beast, or something or other. Silver bullets can’t hurt too.
BENICIO DEL TORO completely heals in the span of a month and, during the next full moon, he turns into a werewolf and goes on a gory killing spree, the result of which lands him in an asylum where he withstands great torture to help expel his “delusions.”
Too bad you’re stuck here. It’s also too bad I’m a wolfman too. And I killed your mother. And your brother. And here’s a straight razor to kill yourself with if you can’t stand the heat. Carry on, my wayward son!
The next full moon rolls around, and BENICIO DEL TORO morphs, makes minced meat out of a room full of scholars before terrorizing townspeople and the Yard and leaps from rooftop to rooftop looking like a dancing bear wearing clothes.
Ah hah! I knew something was weird about that BENICIO DEL TORO guy. He must be killed!
BENICIO DEL TORO finds EMILY BLUNT and smooches her before going to ANTHONY HOPKINS’s place to face his daddy issues. The two revert to wolfman form and set out to tear each other’s entrails out. BENICIO DEL TORO beheads ANTHONY HOPKINS’s and kicks him into the fire. HUGO WEAVING arrives and is gravely wounded by BENICIO DEL TORO. EMILY BLUNT shows up and BENICIO DEL TORO chases her through the woods and pins her down.
BENICIO DEL TORO
EMILY BLUNT shoots him using a silver bullet, saving herself and the town and putting BENICIO DEL TORO out of his misery. HUGO WEAVING touches his bloody werewolf bite as he glances up at the full moon still overhead.