Blue Velvet (1986)

KYLE MACLACHLAN finds a human ear in a field and takes it to the cops. Then he and girlfriend LAURA DERN walk like chickens and talk about Heinekin.

KYLE MACLACHLAN
Okay, enough of this. I’m gonna break into ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s apartment and look for clues since she might have something to do with all this.

KYLE MACLACHLAN breaks into ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s apartment after watching her sing/murder “Blue Velvet” at a nightclub. KYLE MACLACHLAN hides in the closet when ISABELLA ROSSELLINI comes home and runs around in her underwear.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI
My wig is so huge it has its own orbit.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI finds KYLE MACLACHLAN, waves a knife around, and gives him a blowjob, but stuffs him back in the closet when DENNIS HOPPER storms in, demands to get drunk, and snorts helium.

DENNIS HOPPER
(grabbing ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s boobs)
Mommy!

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI and DENNIS HOPPER have a depraved, two-second dry hump, and KYLE MACLACHLAN deduces that DENNIS HOPPER kidnapped ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s KID and cut off HER HUSBAND’s ear. KYLE MACLACHLAN stalks the bad guys, makes out with LAURA DERN over sodas, and sleeps with ISABELLA ROSSELLINI. DENNIS HOPPER catches them.

DENNIS HOPPER
I shall now blow a gasket and say “fuck” like it’s the only word I know.

DENNIS HOPPER beats the crap out KYLE MACLACHLAN in a field while a TRAILER PARK HO dances on a hood of a car.

KYLE MACLACHLAN
Oogh.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI stumbles around, naked and bloody; LAURA DERN makes hideous faces when she cries; and KYLE MACLACHLAN finds a couple of DEAD GUYS, including ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s HUSBAND. DENNIS HOPPER shows up and KYLE MACLACHLAN shoots him. KYLE MACLACHLAN and LAURA DERN make out some more and marvel at a bird with a bug in its beak. ISABELLA ROSSELLINI gets her KID back and DENNIS HOPPER stays dead. Fin.

One Response to “Blue Velvet (1986)”

  1. [...] difficult to explain why you need to watch this movie, but rest assured you do. Here is an amusing plot summary, but all you really need to know is this simple equation: (Isabella Rossellini + Kyle MacLachlan + [...]

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