Soapdish (1991)
CATHY MORIARTY, an actress on the soap opera “The Sun Also Sets”, straddles producer ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
CATHY MORIARTY
I’m sick of playing a supporting role to “America’s Sweetheart” SALLY FIELD! Make me the star!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Perhaps if you let me touch your boobs, we can scheme together…
Meanwhile, SALLY FIELD weeps on the shoulder of head writer WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
SALLY FIELD
Everyone on the set is out to get me and replace me with a younger actress! My life is falling apart! I mean, I’m being dressed in a turban, for Christ’s sake!
Budding actress ELISABETH SHUE runs over to SALLY FIELD.
ELISABETH SHUE
AUNT SALLY FIELD! Great news! Casting-couch-casting-director CARRIE FISHER just cast me in a role of a homeless, deaf mute on the show! Isn’t that great?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. strolls over.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Yes, and because ratings are plummeting, we’re going to have SALLY FIELD murder you.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
You’re crazy if you think I’m write garbage about SALLY FIELD killing a homeless person.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Also, to further torment SALLY FIELD in hopes that she quits, I’m getting KEVIN KLINE to come back and resume the role he had before he and SALLY FIELD broke up and she had him kicked off the show.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
What’s the matter with you? We killed KEVIN KLINE off! He was decapitated!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Use your imagination. Meanwhile, I’m going to go try to get some CATHY MORIARTY ass.
KEVIN KLINE sidles up to ELISABETH SHUE.
KEVIN KLINE
Why, hello there…
SALLY FIELD
Stay away from her! And it’s not just because I’m jealous – she’s our daughter!
KEVIN KLINE and ELISABETH SHUE
Eep!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Yes! The cameras caught SALLY FIELD’s revelation and she’s severely unhinged, so now we can fire her.
CATHY MORIARTY
WRONG! Ratings are going through the roof and SALLY FIELD, KEVIN KLINE, and ELISABETH SHUE are all much more famous now – more famous than me!
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Alright, we’ll kill off ELISABETH SHUE in a live broadcast.
SALLY FIELD
No! Take me instead!
The actors go off script during the live broadcast and attempt to fake a brain transplant on SALLY FIELD.
ELISABETH SHUE
No, Mom! Don’t do this! I’m willing to accept you—and Daddy—as more than just my biological parents!
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
BTW: CATHY MORIARTY is really a man.
Ratings of “The Sun Also Sets” go through the roof, and SALLY FIELD, KEVIN KLINE, and ELISABETH SHUE live happily ever after with their Daytime Television Awards. Fin.
