Dracula: Dead And Loving It (1995)

It’s Transylvania, 1893, and after being warned by the townspeople, London solicitor PETER MACNICHOL still goes to vampire COUNT LESLIE NIELSON’s spooky, bat-shit-covered castle. It is there that PETER MACNICHOL gets a blood-spewing paper cut.

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON
Yum!

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON turns PETER MACNICHOL into his slave and they head to London, where PETER MACNICHOL is thrown in a sanitarium and eats bugs while COUNT LESLIE NIELSON bites a LONDON CHICK and meets fiancés STEVEN WEBER and AMY YASBECK. COUNT LESLIE NIELSON also attracts the attention of vampire connoisseur MEL BROOKS.

MEL BROOKS
Look at the LONDON CHICK’s neck! Clearly a vampire has been supping upon her! We must do something!

STEVEN WEBER and AMY YASBECK
Oh, MEL BROOKS, you so crazy.

However, while PETER MACNICHOL suffers through several enemas, COUNT LESLIE NIELSON turns the LONDON CHICK into a vampire. The LONDON CHICK attempts to seduce STEVEN WEBER but, at MEL BROOKS’ urging, STEVEN WEBER stakes her through the heart and gets doused in gallons of blood while COUNT LESLIE NIELSON attempts to snack on AMY YASBECK.

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON
You shall be my bride, and we shall dance elaborately with lots of twirls forever more!

COUNT LESLIE NIELSON bites AMY YASBECK, turning her into a horny beast.

AMY YASBECK
(to STEVEN WEBER)
Touch my boobs!

STEVEN WEBER lets out a girlish shriek before he and MEL BROOKS follow PETER MACNICHOL to COUNT LESLIE NIELSON’s hideout. COUNT LESLIE NIELSON is exposed to sunlight and dies, and PETER MACNICHOL draws a happy face in his ashes. Fin.