Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

WOODY ALLEN and HELENA BONHAM CARTER adopt a KID and their marriage plummets into a passionless pit. Thus, WOODY ALLEN somehow decides to become obsessed with discovering the identity of the KID’s mom, who happens to be MIRA SORVINO, a hooker/porn star/unintelligent hottie with a heart of gold, natch.

WOODY ALLEN
And now, for my next unbelievable act, I shall interrupt my whiny jokes to stroke my own ego by having the audience believe I can bag both HELENA BONHAM CARTER and MIRA SORVINO!

In a Pygmalion fashion, WOODY ALLEN immerses himself in MIRA SORVINO and tries to get her life on track in case his—her—KID ever decides to come looking for her while HELENA BONHAM CARTER toys with the idea of cheating on him.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I mustn’t! I can’t! …Or can I? I must explore my feelings!

Dejected, WOODY ALLEN sleeps with MIRA SORVINO but ends up back with HELENA BONHAM CARTER. MIRA SORVINO marries a HELICOPER PILOT. WOODY ALLEN never tells MIRA SORVINO he has her KID. MIRA SORVINO has WOODY ALLEN’s baby but never tells him. Irony! Fin.