Hockey team owner JESSICA ALBA hires self-help guru MIKE MYERS to reunite hockey player ROMANY MALCO with his wife MEAGAN GOOD, who was lured away by Celine-Dion-loving, rival hockey player JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and his giant penis, about which many trite jokes are made.

MIKE MYERS
This is perfect! When I get ROMANY MALCO back with MEAGAN GOOD by making overblown Austin Powers jokes and bastardizing key points concerning self-enlightenment, I’ll get asked to be on Oprah! Meanwhile, my junk will ache for JESSICA ALBA but chafe against my chastity belt, and amazingly she’ll actually be interested in me.

ROMANY MALCO wins back MEAGAN GOOD’s love and the Stanley Cup thanks to MIKE MYERS, who orchestrates the act of two elephants humping on the ice. MIKE MYERS loses his virginity to JESSICA ALBA and everyone dances a la a Bollywood flick. Fin.

Composer JASON SEGEL is dumped while naked by his actress girlfriend KRISTEN BELL for gyrating, British musician/weirdo RUSSELL BRAND and is near suicidal.

BILL HADER
(via webcam)
You could use a vacation, step bro. Go to Hawaii!

JASON SEGEL takes this advice, only to discover that KRISTEN BELL and RUSSELL BRAND are vacationing at the same resort and the three of them keep winding up in the same yoga classes and in adjacent rooms. JASON SEGEL’s only solace is hotel receptionist MILA KUNIS, who encourages his aspirations of writing a puppet rock opera about Dracula.

JASON SEGEL
This is great: a girl who accepts me for who I am and encourages my dreams, unlike KRISTEN BELL, who I am now recalling was a shitty girlfriend after all.

KRISTEN BELL, in a fit of jealousy, tries to seduce JASON SEGEL with a thirty-second blow job but he resists. MILA KUNIS learns of this and refuses to speak to JASON SEGEL any more. JASON SEGEL goes back to the mainland and debuts his rock opera, at which MILA KUNIS shows up and accepts JASON SEGEL’s full-frontal nudity. Fin.

Teenage JOHN CUSACK survives REINDEER-SUIT-WEARING MOM’s boiled bacon and multiple suicide attempts, and teeters on his skis on the precipice of the ski resort’s most difficult slope.

JOHN CUSACK
(with a noose around his neck)
How can life get worse? My EX-GIRLFRIEND of six months dumped me and now I have to race her ski jerk boyfriend!

The FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE manages to escape her host family – the SOCIALLY AWKWARD SON and his OVERBEARING MOM – and skis up next to JOHN CUSACK.

FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE
Just go down the slope really fast. If something gets in your way, move.

The NEWSBOY chases a one-ski-wearing JOHN CUSACK down the slope on his bike.

NEWSBOY
I want my two dollars!

JOHN CUSACK wins the race and his EX-GIRLFRIEND’s adoration, but he drives off with the FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE in the Camaro she helped him pimp out and they win a race against the ASIAN DRAG RACERS. Fin.

VANESSA PARADIS flings herself off a bridge but knife thrower DANIEL AUTEUIL saves her.

DANIEL AUTEUIL
Why kill yourself here when I can throw knives at you instead?

DANIEL AUTEUIL takes VANESSA PARADIS on the road with him and buys her lots of sparkly outfits and gives her money to gamble with in the casinos. VANESSA PARADIS, although scared of having knives thrown in her general direction, comes to derive sexual pleasure from the near danger of it. This does not stop VANESSA PARADIS from opening her legs for every dude she meets.

DANIEL AUTEUIL
Why are you such a little whore?

VANESSA PARADIS
Because I need love!

VANESSA PARADIS abandons DANIEL AUTEUIL on a cruise ship, taking off in a rowboat with a GREEK NEWLYWED who was just married the night before. The GREEK NEWLYWED winds up dumping VANESSA PARADIS as soon as they hit land. Meanwhile, DANIEL AUTEUIL finds that he has no success without VANESSA PARADIS and is about to jump off a bridge when VANESSA PARADIS stops him.

VANESSA PARADIS
Why kill yourself when you can throw knives at me?

Fin.

Pot dealer/some-time artist LUKE WILSON sits around his apartment with burnout buddies ANDY DICK and JEREMY SISTO smoking bowl after bowl when ALICIA WITT bursts in wearing too dark of a lipstick and dragging her friend AMY LOCANE, who’s cracked out on something.

ALICIA WITT
(to LUKE WILSON)
You! You must’ve sold her something awful! This marks the first day of my hostility toward you and, oddly enough, the first day of your attraction to me. Mind if I come live with you? BTW: Your refrigerator art is so good! Y’know, I know someone who could make you famoso!

ALICIA WITT introduces LUKE WILSON to BRITTANY MURPHY, an airhead art poseur who tries to get in LUKE WILSON’s pants by buying him a giant bong. ALICIA WITT is so grossed out that she moves to New York with heroin addict JAMIE KENNEDY and gets raped in a limo by A COKEHEAD.

ALICIA WITT
I thought this was supposed to be a comedy!

BRITTANY MURPHY and LUKE WILSON go to a stoner retreat, where they drop acid with JACK BLACK and run around the woods making annoying noises.

JACK BLACK
(wielding a guitar)
And now I shall play a song that wasn’t good enough for a Tenacious D album!

LUKE WILSON ends up sleeping with AMY LOCANE.

AMY LOCANE
So this is life after Melrose.

ALICIA WITT comes back from New York, and she and LUKE WILSON see a UFO. Fin.