Archive for 1980s

Better Off Dead (1985)

Posted in Five Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by the "s" word

Teenage JOHN CUSACK survives REINDEER-SUIT-WEARING MOM’s boiled bacon and multiple suicide attempts, and teeters on his skis on the precipice of the ski resort’s most difficult slope.

JOHN CUSACK
(with a noose around his neck)
How can life get worse? My EX-GIRLFRIEND of six months dumped me and now I have to race her ski jerk boyfriend!

The FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE manages to escape her host family – the SOCIALLY AWKWARD SON and his OVERBEARING MOM – and skis up next to JOHN CUSACK.

FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE
Just go down the slope really fast. If something gets in your way, move.

The NEWSBOY chases a one-ski-wearing JOHN CUSACK down the slope on his bike.

NEWSBOY
I want my two dollars!

JOHN CUSACK wins the race and his EX-GIRLFRIEND’s adoration, but he drives off with the FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE in the Camaro she helped him pimp out and they win a race against the ASIAN DRAG RACERS. Fin.

Heathers (1989)

Posted in Five Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2009 by the "s" word

WINONA RYDER exchanges bitchy quips that will go down in cult-movie history with her popular, soulless best friends “THE HEATHERS” during a catty croquet game before peacing out to go hump bad-boy newcomer CHRISTIAN SLATER on the lawn.

WINONA RYDER
I hate my friends. They need to be taught a lesson.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
I have just the plan.

CHRISTIAN SLATER’s plan involves giving ONE OF THE HEATHERS Draino in her beverage, and then shooting TWO HOMOPHOBIC FOOTBALL PLAYERS and making it look like a gay suicide pact. Teenage suicide becomes all the rage.

CHRISTIAN SLATER
This is great! We’re starting a revolution!

WINONA RYDER
We are sooo breaking up.

CHRISTIAN SLATER tries to blow up the school with a homemade bomb under the gym and WINONA RYDER shoots half his hand off. CHRISTIAN SLATER then straps on a bomb and explodes. WINONA RYDER lights her cigarette off the explosion, usurps the much coveted red scrunchie (the sign of true social status) from “Heather” SHANNEN DOHERTY, and asks THE MOST UNPOPULAR GIRL AT SCHOOL over to watch movies. Fin.

9 1/2 Weeks (1986)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2008 by the "s" word

Sexy divorcee KIM BASINGER performs a strip tease for MICKEY ROURKE after he buys her a scarf in New York City.

KIM BASINGER
I’m a confident, successful, sexual being.

MICKEY ROURKE makes KIM BASINGER crawl across the floor, won’t tell her anything about himself, and screws a prostitute in front of her.

KIM BASINGER (CONT.)
…who no longer has a shred of self-esteem left.

MICKEY ROURKE sexually torments KIM BASINGER for approximately two months, one week, and a few days, give or take. Fin.

Xanadu (1980)

Posted in No Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2008 by the "s" word

Roller-skating, mystical goddess OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN appears to fame-seeking album-cover painter MICHAEL BECK.

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
I, your beautiful muse, have stepped out a mural/portal to Olympia to help inspire you to live out your noble destiny: Open up a roller rink!

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN falls in love with MICHAEL BECK, and her GREEK GOD PARENTS shun her for falling for a mortal. MICHAEL BECK steps through the portal and has a chat with her GREEK GOD PARENTS, who eventually let OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN return to Earth but demote her to a roller-skating waitress. Fin.

Adventures In Babysitting (1987)

Posted in Four Stars with tags , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2008 by the "s" word

ELISABETH SHUE answers the door in her best dress. It’s her SCUMBAG BOYFRIEND.

SCUMBAG BOYFRIEND
I can’t take you out tonight; I’m gonna cheat on you instead. Smell ya later.

Depressed, ELISABETH SHUE goes to baby-sit for a THOR-LOVING LITTLE GIRL; her older brother BRAD, who has the perfect ‘80s boyfriend name; and BRAD’s horny best friend DARYL. They all wear red shirts and blue pants.

BRAD
I love every atom about you, ELISABETH SHUE. Every word out of my mouth must be about you. Please love me, despite my zits and the fact that I’m two years younger than you.

DARYL
ELISABETH SHUE, has anyone ever told you you look like the Playmate in the March centerfold?

THOR-LOVING LITTLE GIRL
Thor Thor Thor Thor Thor

BRAD
ELISABETH SHUE ELISABETH SHUE ELISABETH SHUE ELISABETH SHUE ELISABETH SHUE

ELISABETH SHUE
I’m too old to be babysitting.

The phone rings. It’s ELISABETH SHUE’s best friend BRENDA.

BRENDA
Help me! I ran away from home but changed my mind so I need you to pick me up! Come get me!

Road trip! ELISABETH SHUE and the others experience a tire blowout; a mechanic with a hook for a hand and a lady with a cheatin’ heart; a kindly car thief working for a chop shop; a blues nightclub; a gang fight on a subway resulting in one stitch; a Kappa party; VINCENT D’ONOFRIO as Thor the Mechanic; and clinging to a glass building several miles up in the atmosphere. However, ELISABETH SHUE manages to pick up BRENDA and get everyone home just before the PARENTS arrive.

ELISABETH SHUE
I’m retiring from babysitting!

However, everyone becomes best friends and ELISABETH SHUE falls in love with a KAPPA FRAT GUY and not BRAD. Fin.

Blue Velvet (1986)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2008 by the "s" word

KYLE MACLACHLAN finds a human ear in a field and takes it to the cops. Then he and girlfriend LAURA DERN walk like chickens and talk about Heinekin.

KYLE MACLACHLAN
Okay, enough of this. I’m gonna break into ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s apartment and look for clues since she might have something to do with all this.

KYLE MACLACHLAN breaks into ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s apartment after watching her sing/murder “Blue Velvet” at a nightclub. KYLE MACLACHLAN hides in the closet when ISABELLA ROSSELLINI comes home and runs around in her underwear.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI
My wig is so huge it has its own orbit.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI finds KYLE MACLACHLAN, waves a knife around, and gives him a blowjob, but stuffs him back in the closet when DENNIS HOPPER storms in, demands to get drunk, and snorts helium.

DENNIS HOPPER
(grabbing ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s boobs)
Mommy!

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI and DENNIS HOPPER have a depraved, two-second dry hump, and KYLE MACLACHLAN deduces that DENNIS HOPPER kidnapped ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s KID and cut off HER HUSBAND’s ear. KYLE MACLACHLAN stalks the bad guys, makes out with LAURA DERN over sodas, and sleeps with ISABELLA ROSSELLINI. DENNIS HOPPER catches them.

DENNIS HOPPER
I shall now blow a gasket and say “fuck” like it’s the only word I know.

DENNIS HOPPER beats the crap out KYLE MACLACHLAN in a field while a TRAILER PARK HO dances on a hood of a car.

KYLE MACLACHLAN
Oogh.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI stumbles around, naked and bloody; LAURA DERN makes hideous faces when she cries; and KYLE MACLACHLAN finds a couple of DEAD GUYS, including ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s HUSBAND. DENNIS HOPPER shows up and KYLE MACLACHLAN shoots him. KYLE MACLACHLAN and LAURA DERN make out some more and marvel at a bird with a bug in its beak. ISABELLA ROSSELLINI gets her KID back and DENNIS HOPPER stays dead. Fin.

Mannequin (1987)

Posted in Four Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2008 by the "s" word

After being fired from his billionth odd job, ANDREW MCCARTHY cruises around the city on his motorcycle with his somma-time girlfriend ROXIE.

ANDREW MCCARTHY
I’m in no way cool enough to be riding a motorcycle.

ROXIE
You’re not cool at all, in fact. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just mosey on over to my job at the department store Illustra, where the rest of villains in this flick are lurking.

ROXIE leaves. ANDREW MCCARTHY stops in front of ailing department store Prince & Co.’s window, where a super hot mannequin bearing a striking resemblance to KIM CATTRALL poses. He falls in love, Pygmalion style. Just then, a massive sign overhead falls and threatens to kill ESTELLE GETTY, who owns the store. ANDREW MCCARTHY saves the day.

ESTELLE GETTY
For rescuing me, I shall give you a job working with HOLLYWOOD on the window displays.

HOLLYWOOD
Hellllllllllllo! I’m the flamboyant comic relief!

KIM CATTRALL comes to life.

KIM CATTRALL
Surprise! I’m alive! Now I’ll show you, ANDREW MCCARTHY, how to “come to life” metaphorically! To do this, we’ll dance and play throughout the store in a variety of madcap montages and create window displays that are nothing short of miracles and will attract lots of business!

Across town, JAMES SPADER—a sleazy Illustra employee—is a deliciously yuppified nervous wreck.

JAMES SPADER
Prince & Co. is outselling Illustra, and somehow I’ve figured out that the mannequin who comes to life is behind it. ROXIE, go kill it.

ROXIE attempts to stuff KIM CATTRALL in a wood chipper, but once again, ANDREW MCCARTHY saves the day. He and KIM CATTRALL get married in the store window to that Jefferson Starship song. Fin.

The Pick-Up Artist (1987)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2008 by the "s" word

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. gleefully drives around town in his red car with a napkin covered in girls’ phone numbers on it. He meets MOLLY RINGWALD.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Did anyone ever tell you that you’ve a face and body like a Picasso stick figure drawing?

MOLLY RINGWALD
Okay, I’ll have sex with you.

They have sex.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
So what’s your number? Snicker snicker, and there’s another notch on the proverbial bedpost.

MOLLY RINGWALD
Forget it; I’m impervious to your charms.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
WHAT?!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. stalks her to her job at the art museum with a zillion pointless children in tow.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Come on! I want you hardcore because you’re a challenge!

MOLLY RINGWALD
Go away! My dad owes lots of money to these bad guys and I don’t have time for love. Sleaze.

Somehow ROBERT DOWNEY JR. drives a drunk DENNIS HOPPER to Vegas, stalked by the bad guy HARVEY KEITEL. MOLLY RINGWALD bets all her life savings on a whim to save her dad and loses.

MOLLY RINGWALD
Blasted gambling!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I know you lost every cent you have, but because I have tactful, impeccable timing, let me just suggest that maybe you should try gambling on me. Or yourself!

MOLLY RINGWALD
Hmmm.

She does both. They play roulette, pay off the bad guy, and go out to eat. DENNIS HOPPER stays drunk. Fin.

Sweet Hearts Dance (1988)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2008 by the "s" word
Somewhere in a Vermont town where it never snows (despite that everything takes place during the prime winter months), JEFF DANIELS helps his best-friend-since-high-school DON JOHNSON out of the thin ice he metaphorically and literally fell into.

DON JOHNSON
I hate being married with three kids! I’m so unhappy, despite that my misery appears unfounded and random. Whatevs—I’ll still take everything out on my wife SUSAN SARANDON and the rest of my family anyway.

JEFF DANIELS
Fine, but don’t forget to finish building the high school’s gym before Valentine’s Day, ol’ buddy! Meanwhile, I’ll go propose marriage to frosty ELIZABETH PERKINS, whom I’ve known for about a day.

ELIZABETH PERKINS
You do that. In turn, I’ll passively-aggressively flirt with you and tell unfunny jokes that fail to give my personality any warmth.

JEFF DANIELS
And I’ll love you all the same.

SUSAN SARANDON
I’m much too talented to be in this movie.

Three months of the characters’ annoying, childish behavior and game playing pass. They all even manage to make a trip to the Caribbean suck. DAN JOHNSON goes to his house.

DAN JOHNSON
I’m a fool. Take me back, SUSAN!

SUSAN SARANDON
Only if you promise to work on our relationship with me. And I know how we can start doing just that.

DAN JOHNSON and SUSAN SARANDON drive JEFF DANIELS’ sports car into the (unfrozen) lake and giggle. Fin.

Purple Rain (1984)

Posted in Two Stars with tags , , , , , , on March 15, 2008 by the "s" word

 

PRINCE performs at MORRIS DAY’s nightclub, but he’s a pouting, miserable (albeit talented!) wretch. APOLLONIA checks him out.

APOLLONIA
I’d hit that.

APOLLONIA and PRINCE go on a date and he makes her dive in the freezing lake wearing only her panties and taunts her with the idea of leaving her stranded in the woods by driving away on his motorcycle. She falls in love with him. PRINCE goes home and does his funny run into the dining room, where his dad is punching his mom again.

PRINCE
No! I feel emo now.

APOLLONIA buys PRINCE a guitar. He slaps her. They break up. PRINCE humps the stage to “Darling Nikki”. APOLLONIA joins a group full of ugly girls and they wear skimpy lingerie.

PRINCE
Woe.

WENDY and LISA approach him.

 

WENDY and LISA
Play our song!

PRINCE
No!

 

PRINCE rides home on his little motorcycle and his dad is in the hospital from a self-inflicted gun wound. PRINCE goes to the club, dedicates “The Beautiful Ones” to APOLLONIA, plays WENDY and LISA’s song, and performs “Purple Rain”. Fin.

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