The Wolfman (2010)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by HappiMess Media

BENICIO DEL TORO arrives in moody-ass London at the home of his eccentric father, ANTHONY HOPKINS, where he meets his dead brother’s dewy-eyed fiancée, EMILY BLUNT.

I’m sorry we’re meeting under such formidable circumstances, BENICIO DEL TORO, considering your brother was just skinned by some terrible beast running amuck. Perhaps the gypsies know something about it?

BENICIO DEL TORO goes to chat with the gypsies, but is bitten on the neck by a werewolf. The SPOOKY-ASS GYPSY WITCH sews up his wound.

Now that a werewolf’s munched on him, he’s forever cursed. Only being killed by a true love will slay the beast, or something or other. Silver bullets can’t hurt too.

BENICIO DEL TORO completely heals in the span of a month and, during the next full moon, he turns into a werewolf and goes on a gory killing spree, the result of which lands him in an asylum where he withstands great torture to help expel his “delusions.”

Too bad you’re stuck here. It’s also too bad I’m a wolfman too. And I killed your mother. And your brother. And here’s a straight razor to kill yourself with if you can’t stand the heat. Carry on, my wayward son!

The next full moon rolls around, and BENICIO DEL TORO morphs, makes minced meat out of a room full of scholars before terrorizing townspeople and the Yard and leaps from rooftop to rooftop looking like a dancing bear wearing clothes.

Ah hah! I knew something was weird about that BENICIO DEL TORO guy. He must be killed!

BENICIO DEL TORO finds EMILY BLUNT and smooches her before going to ANTHONY HOPKINS’s place to face his daddy issues. The two revert to wolfman form and set out to tear each other’s entrails out. BENICIO DEL TORO beheads ANTHONY HOPKINS’s and kicks him into the fire. HUGO WEAVING arrives and is gravely wounded by BENICIO DEL TORO. EMILY BLUNT shows up and BENICIO DEL TORO chases her through the woods and pins her down.


EMILY BLUNT shoots him using a silver bullet, saving herself and the town and putting BENICIO DEL TORO out of his misery. HUGO WEAVING touches his bloody werewolf bite as he glances up at the full moon still overhead.

Aww, snap.


Mamma Mia! (2008)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by HappiMess Media

MERYL STREEP flails around her home amidst all the preparations for wedding of her teen tart daughter, AMANDA SEYFRIED, who’s off rubbing up against her tanned hubby-to-be OILY BOHUNK.

Oh no! Oh heavens! My little minx of a kid is getting married and what does she do? Invite all the men I screwed one summer when I was young slut in order to find out which of the three men—beach bum STELLAN SKARSGARD, completely gay COLIN FIRTH or obvious front runner PIERCE BROSNAN—is her dad! Oh no! I, along with everyone else, shall now get into all sorts of wacky antics of annoying chick-lit lore while warbling along to an ABBA soundtrack.

Everyone goes to the wedding, where it’s super awkward with all these possible dads around.

You know what? We’re too young to be getting mixed up in this whole marriage business. Why don’t we just go have lots and lots of kinky crazy sex until I inevitably get knocked up at a young age and we’re forced to settle down?

Shit, yeah!

Well, hell, let’s not have all these wedding preparations go to waste. MERYL STREEP, I’ve been in love with you for like, twenty years or something. Let’s finally tie the knot!

Oh heavens, why not?

In conclusion, we’ll all don brightly colored spangled jumpsuits and feign dance steps to a nauseating and embarrassing rendition of “Waterloo” while croaking out the lyrics like a pack of drunks during karaoke night at the local pub. Fin.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Posted in Three Stars with tags , , , , , , , on February 16, 2010 by HappiMess Media

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT and ZOOEY DESCHANEL ride the same elevator.

I like the pretentious hipster music floating from your ear buds.

You do? That’s great! Because I like everything about you, including your love for poor, underrated Ringo Starr, how we play house in the IKEA store, how making love to you makes me dance all over town to Hall & Oates during this flick’s best scene, your vintage style of dress, the way you won’t open up to me, the way you leave me hanging all the time, the way you eventually dump me for virtually no reason… Er, hmm. I guess I don’t like those last few aspects so much.

I shall now vanish promptly from your life, leaving you with a myriad of questions without answers that forces you to go to your kid sister for advice.

Youse a dumb S.O.B., JGL.

Who asked you, Skipper? Oh, wait, I did. You see, asking tweens to help me get un-lost in life further proves how I’m at my wit’s end.

Surprise! I’m back, disintegrating any progress you might’ve made. I’ll continue to do so if you come to my party, JGL, where I’ll then destroy all your hopes of us getting back together by admitting I’m engaged to some other clown.

What? But who what where when why and how?

Dunno. It’s never explained. You and all the other moviegoers will just have to accept I’m a heartless, bizarre bitch for funsies.

Though the movie should’ve ended with us sitting on the hill, reflecting on the mysterious, ever-changing nature of young love, the filmmakers are determined to give me a happy ending, so my heartbreak prompts me to turn my life around and pursue my dream career after sitting around in coffee shops reading architectural digests. And who should I meet at the interview but a generically hot chick who’s ridiculously more attractive than ZOOEY DESCHANEL, and the movie must end on the note that quirky, enigmatic weird girls equal bad and uncomplicated, unchallenging and mainstream-friendly hot girls equal good. Let us pray for an alternate ending on DVD. Fin.

The Love Guru (2008)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by HappiMess Media

Hockey team owner JESSICA ALBA hires self-help guru MIKE MYERS to reunite hockey player ROMANY MALCO with his wife MEAGAN GOOD, who was lured away by Celine-Dion-loving, rival hockey player JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and his giant penis, about which many trite jokes are made.

This is perfect! When I get ROMANY MALCO back with MEAGAN GOOD by making overblown Austin Powers jokes and bastardizing key points concerning self-enlightenment, I’ll get asked to be on Oprah! Meanwhile, my junk will ache for JESSICA ALBA but chafe against my chastity belt, and amazingly she’ll actually be interested in me.

ROMANY MALCO wins back MEAGAN GOOD’s love and the Stanley Cup thanks to MIKE MYERS, who orchestrates the act of two elephants humping on the ice. MIKE MYERS loses his virginity to JESSICA ALBA and everyone dances a la a Bollywood flick. Fin.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

Posted in Four Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by HappiMess Media

Composer JASON SEGEL is dumped while naked by his actress girlfriend KRISTEN BELL for gyrating, British musician/weirdo RUSSELL BRAND and is near suicidal.

(via webcam)
You could use a vacation, step bro. Go to Hawaii!

JASON SEGEL takes this advice, only to discover that KRISTEN BELL and RUSSELL BRAND are vacationing at the same resort and the three of them keep winding up in the same yoga classes and in adjacent rooms. JASON SEGEL’s only solace is hotel receptionist MILA KUNIS, who encourages his aspirations of writing a puppet rock opera about Dracula.

This is great: a girl who accepts me for who I am and encourages my dreams, unlike KRISTEN BELL, who I am now recalling was a shitty girlfriend after all.

KRISTEN BELL, in a fit of jealousy, tries to seduce JASON SEGEL with a thirty-second blow job but he resists. MILA KUNIS learns of this and refuses to speak to JASON SEGEL anymore. JASON SEGEL goes back to the mainland and debuts his rock opera, at which MILA KUNIS shows up and accepts JASON SEGEL’s full-frontal nudity. Fin.

Better Off Dead (1985)

Posted in Five Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by HappiMess Media

Teenage JOHN CUSACK survives REINDEER-SUIT-WEARING MOM’s boiled bacon and multiple suicide attempts, and teeters on his skis on the precipice of the ski resort’s most difficult slope.

(with a noose around his neck)
How can life get worse? My EX-GIRLFRIEND of six months dumped me and now I have to race her ski jerk boyfriend!

The FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE manages to escape her host family – the SOCIALLY AWKWARD SON and his OVERBEARING MOM – and skis up next to JOHN CUSACK.

Just go down the slope really fast. If something gets in your way, move.

The NEWSBOY chases a one-ski-wearing JOHN CUSACK down the slope on his bike.

I want my two dollars!

JOHN CUSACK wins the race and his EX-GIRLFRIEND’s adoration, but he drives off with the FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE in the Camaro she helped him pimp out and they win a race against the ASIAN DRAG RACERS. Fin.

The Girl On The Bridge (2000)

Posted in Three Stars with tags , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by HappiMess Media

VANESSA PARADIS is about to fling herself off a bridge but knife thrower DANIEL AUTEUIL saves her.

Why kill yourself when I can throw knives at you?

DANIEL AUTEUIL takes VANESSA PARADIS on the road with him and buys her lots of sparkly outfits and gives her money to gamble with in the casinos. VANESSA PARADIS, although scared of having knives thrown in her general direction, comes to derive sexual pleasure from the near danger of it. This does not stop VANESSA PARADIS from opening her legs for every dude she meets.

Why are you such a little whore?

Because I need love!

VANESSA PARADIS abandons DANIEL AUTEUIL on a cruise ship, taking off in a rowboat with a GREEK NEWLYWED who was just married the night before. The GREEK NEWLYWED winds up dumping VANESSA PARADIS as soon as they hit land. Meanwhile, DANIEL AUTEUIL finds that he has no success without VANESSA PARADIS and is about to jump off a bridge when VANESSA PARADIS stops him.

Why kill yourself when you can throw knives at me?



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