Archive for 1980s

Better Off Dead (1985)

Posted in Five Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by HappiMess Media

Teenage JOHN CUSACK survives REINDEER-SUIT-WEARING MOM’s boiled bacon and multiple suicide attempts, and teeters on his skis on the precipice of the ski resort’s most difficult slope.

(with a noose around his neck)
How can life get worse? My EX-GIRLFRIEND of six months dumped me and now I have to race her ski jerk boyfriend!

The FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE manages to escape her host family – the SOCIALLY AWKWARD SON and his OVERBEARING MOM – and skis up next to JOHN CUSACK.

Just go down the slope really fast. If something gets in your way, move.

The NEWSBOY chases a one-ski-wearing JOHN CUSACK down the slope on his bike.

I want my two dollars!

JOHN CUSACK wins the race and his EX-GIRLFRIEND’s adoration, but he drives off with the FRENCH FOREIGN EXCHANGE CUTIE in the Camaro she helped him pimp out and they win a race against the ASIAN DRAG RACERS. Fin.

Heathers (1989)

Posted in Five Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2009 by HappiMess Media

WINONA RYDER exchanges bitchy quips that will go down in cult-movie history with her popular, soulless best friends “THE HEATHERS” during a catty croquet game before peacing out to go hump bad-boy newcomer CHRISTIAN SLATER on the lawn.

I hate my friends. They need to be taught a lesson.

I have just the plan.

CHRISTIAN SLATER’s plan involves giving ONE OF THE HEATHERS Draino in her beverage, and then shooting TWO HOMOPHOBIC FOOTBALL PLAYERS and making it look like a gay suicide pact. Teenage suicide becomes all the rage.

This is great! We’re starting a revolution!

We are sooo breaking up.

CHRISTIAN SLATER tries to blow up the school with a homemade bomb under the gym and WINONA RYDER shoots half his hand off. CHRISTIAN SLATER then straps on a bomb and explodes. WINONA RYDER lights her cigarette off the explosion, usurps the much coveted red scrunchie (the sign of true social status) from “Heather” SHANNEN DOHERTY, and asks THE MOST UNPOPULAR GIRL AT SCHOOL over to watch movies. Fin.

9 1/2 Weeks (1986)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2008 by HappiMess Media

Sexy divorcee KIM BASINGER performs a strip tease for MICKEY ROURKE after he buys her a scarf in New York City.

I’m a confident, successful, sexual being.

MICKEY ROURKE makes KIM BASINGER crawl across the floor, won’t tell her anything about himself, and screws a prostitute in front of her.

…who no longer has a shred of self-esteem left.

MICKEY ROURKE sexually torments KIM BASINGER for approximately two months, one week, and a few days, give or take. Fin.

Xanadu (1980)

Posted in No Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2008 by HappiMess Media

Roller-skating, mystical goddess OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN appears to fame-seeking album-cover painter MICHAEL BECK.

I, your beautiful muse, have stepped out a mural/portal to Olympia to help inspire you to live out your noble destiny: Open up a roller rink!

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN falls in love with MICHAEL BECK, and her GREEK GOD PARENTS shun her for falling for a mortal. MICHAEL BECK steps through the portal and has a chat with her GREEK GOD PARENTS, who eventually let OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN return to Earth but demote her to a roller-skating waitress. Fin.

Adventures In Babysitting (1987)

Posted in Four Stars with tags , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2008 by HappiMess Media

ELISABETH SHUE answers the door in her best dress. It’s her SCUMBAG BOYFRIEND.

I can’t take you out tonight; I’m gonna cheat on you instead. Smell ya later.

Depressed, ELISABETH SHUE goes to baby-sit for a THOR-LOVING LITTLE GIRL; her older brother BRAD, who has the perfect ‘80s boyfriend name; and BRAD’s horny best friend DARYL. They all wear red shirts and blue pants.

I love every atom about you, ELISABETH SHUE. Every word out of my mouth must be about you. Please love me, despite my zits and the fact that I’m two years younger than you.

ELISABETH SHUE, has anyone ever told you you look like the Playmate in the March centerfold?

Thor Thor Thor Thor Thor


I’m too old to be babysitting.

The phone rings. It’s ELISABETH SHUE’s best friend BRENDA.

Help me! I ran away from home but changed my mind so I need you to pick me up! Come get me!

Road trip! ELISABETH SHUE and the others experience a tire blowout; a mechanic with a hook for a hand and a lady with a cheatin’ heart; a kindly car thief working for a chop shop; a blues nightclub; a gang fight on a subway resulting in one stitch; a Kappa party; VINCENT D’ONOFRIO as Thor the Mechanic; and clinging to a glass building several miles up in the atmosphere. However, ELISABETH SHUE manages to pick up BRENDA and get everyone home just before the PARENTS arrive.

I’m retiring from babysitting!

However, everyone becomes best friends and ELISABETH SHUE falls in love with a KAPPA FRAT GUY and not BRAD. Fin.

Blue Velvet (1986)

Posted in One Star with tags , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2008 by HappiMess Media

KYLE MACLACHLAN finds a human ear in a field and takes it to the cops. Then he and girlfriend LAURA DERN walk like chickens and talk about Heinekin.

Okay, enough of this. I’m gonna break into ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s apartment and look for clues since she might have something to do with all this.

KYLE MACLACHLAN breaks into ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s apartment after watching her sing/murder “Blue Velvet” at a nightclub. KYLE MACLACHLAN hides in the closet when ISABELLA ROSSELLINI comes home and runs around in her underwear.

My wig is so huge it has its own orbit.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI finds KYLE MACLACHLAN, waves a knife around, and gives him a blowjob, but stuffs him back in the closet when DENNIS HOPPER storms in, demands to get drunk, and snorts helium.

(grabbing ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s boobs)

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI and DENNIS HOPPER have a depraved, two-second dry hump, and KYLE MACLACHLAN deduces that DENNIS HOPPER kidnapped ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s KID and cut off HER HUSBAND’s ear. KYLE MACLACHLAN stalks the bad guys, makes out with LAURA DERN over sodas, and sleeps with ISABELLA ROSSELLINI. DENNIS HOPPER catches them.

I shall now blow a gasket and say “fuck” like it’s the only word I know.

DENNIS HOPPER beats the crap out KYLE MACLACHLAN in a field while a TRAILER PARK HO dances on a hood of a car.


ISABELLA ROSSELLINI stumbles around, naked and bloody; LAURA DERN makes hideous faces when she cries; and KYLE MACLACHLAN finds a couple of DEAD GUYS, including ISABELLA ROSSELLINI’s HUSBAND. DENNIS HOPPER shows up and KYLE MACLACHLAN shoots him. KYLE MACLACHLAN and LAURA DERN make out some more and marvel at a bird with a bug in its beak. ISABELLA ROSSELLINI gets her KID back and DENNIS HOPPER stays dead. Fin.

Mannequin (1987)

Posted in Four Stars with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2008 by HappiMess Media

After being fired from his billionth odd job, ANDREW MCCARTHY cruises around the city on his motorcycle with his somma-time girlfriend ROXIE.

I’m in no way cool enough to be riding a motorcycle.

You’re not cool at all, in fact. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just mosey on over to my job at the department store Illustra, where the rest of villains in this flick are lurking.

ROXIE leaves. ANDREW MCCARTHY stops in front of ailing department store Prince & Co.’s window, where a super hot mannequin bearing a striking resemblance to KIM CATTRALL poses. He falls in love, Pygmalion style. Just then, a massive sign overhead falls and threatens to kill ESTELLE GETTY, who owns the store. ANDREW MCCARTHY saves the day.

For rescuing me, I shall give you a job working with HOLLYWOOD on the window displays.

Hellllllllllllo! I’m the flamboyant comic relief!

KIM CATTRALL comes to life.

Surprise! I’m alive! Now I’ll show you, ANDREW MCCARTHY, how to “come to life” metaphorically! To do this, we’ll dance and play throughout the store in a variety of madcap montages and create window displays that are nothing short of miracles and will attract lots of business!

Across town, JAMES SPADER—a sleazy Illustra employee—is a deliciously yuppified nervous wreck.

Prince & Co. is outselling Illustra, and somehow I’ve figured out that the mannequin who comes to life is behind it. ROXIE, go kill it.

ROXIE attempts to stuff KIM CATTRALL in a wood chipper, but once again, ANDREW MCCARTHY saves the day. He and KIM CATTRALL get married in the store window to that Jefferson Starship song. Fin.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.